You old Softie!

This quasi-monthly installment is inspired by a hilarious article that I recently read in Der Spiegel. If you can read German, just go to the Spiegel web site and read it there. But for all of you out there who do not read German, I will attempt to translate the hilarity.

The German slang term for softie is Weich-Ei or soft-egg, roughly translatable as wimp, or more literally, someone with no cahones. Anyway, a German radio station in Hessen has been running a Weich-Ei contest, collecting new names/descriptions for those Soft Eggs out there. They've accumulated a pretty good list so far, from which I will now, without further ado, attempt to render the best in understandable English.

Chapstick User
Funny Sock Wearer
Clothes the-Night-Before Layer-Outer
Wine Cooler Drinker
Plane Landing Clapper
Toothpaste Tube Curler-Upper
In-the-hand Cougher
Teletubbie Bye-Bye Waver
Oven Preheater
Yellow Light Slower-Downer
Gas Price Comparer
Forwards Parker
Keyboard Cover-Upper
Puddle Walk-Arounder
Closed Convertible Driver
Aspirin Before-Going-to-Bed Taker
Change Counter
Underwear Ironer
Dentist Appointment Pusher-Backer
Movie Credits Watcher
Grape Pit Spitter-Outer
Balcony Smoker
Pine Tree Air Freshener Driver
By Mommy Washer
Pool Edge Swimmer
Pillow Folder
Foot Blow-Dryer
Cardigan Wearer
ABS Braker
Synchronized Swimming Fan Club Leader
Library Fee Payer
Caffein Free Drinker
Cheese Rind Cutter-Offer
Aluminum Foil BBQ-er
New Year's Non-Smoker
Expiration Date Reader
Happy End Cryer
Boss's Jokes Laugher
Gas Mileage Computer
Cash Register Receipt Checker
Flower Chatter-Upper
Pin Number Writer-Downer
"Good Night, John Boy" Sayer

And for the ladies there's Sit Ironer and Wedding Day Imaginer. A quote from one female Spiegel interviewee: "Warm Showerer, Muffin Over the Counter Cutter, I'm all those things!" Even worse: "My boyfriend is a Woman Understander."